Clinging in Faith

March 2nd

My pastor encouraged me to keep a journal. I can’t believe that I actually went to see him – I guess I figured I didn’t have any thing to lose since I’ve lost so much already. Pastor said just to write down everything that I think about and so…well, I don’t really know what to write. I guess I’m thinking about the worship service today. Especially today and the way things are going I was bugged by having to confess my sins. It seems like every Sunday we talk about our words and our deeds then we have to say sorry. Why every Sunday?

March 5th

Words and deeds, those words have stuck with me since I last wrote in my journal – words and deeds. Confessing our words and deeds, I want to confess hers! What do I have to say sorry for?! This happened to me, I was the victim. I thought for sure she was the one, we were going to get married, she said she loved me – just words! We planned together, even talked about our wedding day, I looked forward to our time together, we shared our love for movies – deeds! Her words, her deeds and I’m alone, what do I have to confess before God? God has left me just like her – for all I know.

March 9th

I drug myself outta bed, didn’t want to go to church but somehow God got me there. I’ll bet the pastor put me on the prayer chain or something. Of course at the beginning of the service there we were again confessing our sins – our words and deeds. I give up! None of my words, nothing I do can fix my life. I want it back the way it was, I want to be with the one I loved. Words and deeds don’t do me any good I’m stuck here alone. Words are what got me here, words are powerful and they hurt me, can any words really heal and help?

March 10th

Georgia came up to me after church last Sunday. I must have looked pretty bad because she asked me if I was OK. I can’t believe I just blabbered everything going on in my life to her. I’ve always liked her- she has such a trustworthy look, I guess I really needed to vent. She could see how alone I felt. She said something that has stuck with me, “faith means never being alone.” I’m still not quite sure what to think about that. I was baptized when I was a baby, isn’t that enough? I have faith right? I don’t know if Georgia was trying to say that I didn’t have faith because I sure feel alone. She said another way to think of faith is clinging. Clinging to God. Faith holds onto God.

March 14th

Clinging to God, well if faith is clinging to God – I guess God and I are alone here. I still feel alone. Clinging, what a weird word, kinda sounds like someone falling down a cliff and grabbing a hold of a rope – diving for it, clinging to it, holding on to it for dear life. God promises to be here, God promises never to leave me but I guess I have to admit I think I’ve been clinging to other stuff. Her words, her deeds, my emptiness, my solitude. I’ve held onto pain and I’ve kept slipping and God has asked me each week what words and deeds do I need to let go of so I can cling to him! I’ve been falling, clinging to my own bundle of pain.

March 16th

Words and deeds, this time church made more sense. The pastor said, “God has had mercy on us and has given His only Son to die for us and for His sake forgives us all our sins.” I feel liked I’ve dropped off a lot of stuff. Even though I sat and sulked with my back to God, God still put his arms around me and stayed there in the darkness too. I talked with Georgia after church. She is such a good listener. She was willing to come to me and talk with me, she sat beside me and didn’t judge me but pointed me to the person who’s been with me all along – God. She’s been in those dark places of life too I can tell. I can see it in her eyes. She’s been pointed to God by someone else, she’s learned this truth over and over – it’s in her eyes. She said I’d be surprised where God is – the sermon today talked about how God was there with the hungry, the thirsty, the naked, the sick, the imprisoned – that this is where God is. “Whatever you have done for one of the least of these you have done to me.” Jesus came into the world because God the Father sent Him. He experienced hunger, nakedness, imprisonment, torture and death. And even today is right there with those whose lives are in darkness. Georgia came to me when I was there in the darkness. God must have sent her.

March 27th

Haven’t felt like writing much lately but I wanted to write this down because as I heard a reading from 1 Thessalonians and thought about my faith – that’s when I saw something new about God. If faith is clinging to God and God is with all those who are hungry, sick and hurting then God is on the move. If God is on the move and I’m clinging to him, then I’m on the move. Faith is action! Sometimes faith has dragged people to me and reminded me that God is still there and moving. Sometimes faith drags us to other people. 1Thessalonians makes sense – “we continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.” Clinging to God takes you places, I just have to look up once in awhile to see where God has brought me, to see the one that God has brought me to. As long as there is sin there will be words and deeds that hurt, that divide, but there are words and deeds that heal, that cling to God–words of forgiveness. Words and deeds that lead me to the place where God has something for me to do. Clinging to God, if everybody held on tight and went where God was leading I can see how Paul’s words in Thessalonians would come true “your faith in God has become known everywhere.”